| I could have a mansion on a hill
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| I could lease a villa in Seville
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| But it wouldn’t be as nice as a summer in Ohio
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| With a gay midget named Karl playing Tevye and Porgy
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| I could wander Paris after dark
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| Take a carriage ride through Central Park
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| But it wouldn’t be as nice as a summer in Ohio
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| Where I’m sharing a room with a former stripper and her snake
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| Wayne
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| I could have a satchel full of dollar bills
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| Cures for all the nation’s ills
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| Pills to make a lion purr
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| I could be in line to be the British Queen
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| Look like I was seventeen
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| Still, I’m certain I’d prefer to be going slowly batty
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| Forty miles east of Cincinnati
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| I could shove an ice pick in my eye
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| I could eat some fish from last July
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| But it wouldn’t be as awful as a summer in Ohio
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| Without cable, hot water, Vietnamese food
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| Or you
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| I saw your book at a Target in Kentucky
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| Under a sign that said, «New and Recommended.»
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| I stole a look at your picture on the inside sleeve
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| And then I couldn’t leave
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| Richard, who was with me, got uncharacteristically quiet
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| And he said, «All things considered, I guess you don’t have to buy it.»
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| So I smiled like Mona Lisa and I lay my Visa down
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| He wants me, he wants me
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| But he ain’t gonna get me.
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| I’ve found my guiding light
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| I tell the stars each night
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| «Look at me
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| Look at him
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| Son of a bitch, I guess I’m doing something right!
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| I finally got something right!»
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| No, it’s not Nirvana, but it’s on the way
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| I play Anita at the matinee
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| Then I’ll get on my knees and pray I can’t state in my bio
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| «I'm never gonna go back to Ohio»
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| I could chew on tinfoil for a spell
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| I could get a root canal in hell
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| But it wouldn’t be as swell as this summer is gonna be
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| 'Cuz the torture is just exquisite
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| While I’m waiting for you to visit
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| So hurry up, Shmuck
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| Get unstuck and get on the scene!
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| Love
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| The midget
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| The stripper
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| Wayne the snake
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| And Mrs. Jamie Wellerstein!
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| That’s me! |