| I’d like to call somebody to the stage that you know as a folk singer
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| But that you haven’t met in his other role
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| Paul is a comedian with a unique point of view and commentary
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| And in this capacity, ladies and gentlemen
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| Please welcome with me to the stage, my good friend
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| My compatriot, Paul Stookey
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| That was the sound of a golf ball
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| Or if you’re a ping-pong enthusiast, that was a sound of a ping-pong ball
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| Except generally you’ll hear
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| That’s the sound of a match between a golfer and a ping-pong enthusiast
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| I played golf today, 18 holes I played golf, wooo
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| I did pretty good too, I think you would have been very proud of me
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| Four. |
| Five. |
| Six Seven
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| I don’t like sports very much
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| There’s a vast number of sports that I’m not invlved in.
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| There’s water skiing
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| In order to water ski, really you should swim, right?
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| You’re not gonna stay up there all the time, now
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| And I don’t like to swim, really
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| You know what swimming is to me?
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| Staying alive when I’m in the water.
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| Barely
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| I’ll do anything to stay afloat
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| Even swallow Co2 cartriges
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| But I didn’t come out here to talk about sports
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| I really, I came out here, Peter talks about status
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| And I cannot think of one material object that has more status in this country
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| Than the automobile
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| And it starts at a very early age now, right?
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| I mean, now at 14, kids want the car, right?
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| They get cheaters permits so they can drive
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| You get a learners permit at 15, a cheaters permit at 14
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| And it’s, I guess it’s really necessary because
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| You lose a lot of face calling up a girl and asking her
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| If you can peddle right over and pick her up, right?
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| They don’t really go for that any more
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| And if you look back on all the times you had the automobile
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| Aside from a few interesting saturday evenings
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| You got to admit that one of the nicest times of all
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| Was a sunday afternoon, if you could get the car
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| You come down the stairs, ker-clunk ker-clunk ker-clunk ker-clunk
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| mom, dad, gonna take the car, ha haaa
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| Beautiful day for a drive, I think I’ll go out
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| Ha haaa haaa ha huuu
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| And then, and then they level you with that giant killer, right?
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| HAVE YOU DONE YOUR HOMEWORK?
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| If you were fast, you’d say, mom, dad, have I done my homework?
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| Run out the door
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| You pick up 3 other great pretenders, 3 oclock in the afternoon
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| The time is now 10 oclock in the evening
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| The same 4 guys are in the same car
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| Well, whata you wanna do?
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| I don’t know, whada you wanna do?
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| Hey, we’ve been driving for 7 hours
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| Hey, I got an idea, he he
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| Yeah, what’s that?
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| Lets go to a drive-in resturant and look at the girls, hehehe
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| Oh, ok
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| Well, here they are, but they’re all from our high school
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| Wait a minute, there’s a car load over there
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| There’s a place right next to them, lets go get it
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| Don’t look at 'em
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| Here’s the conversation in the girls car you never heard
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| Here they come
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| There they are
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| Don’t look at 'em
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| Remember the time when drive-ins first opened
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| And the girls used to come out to take your order?
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| Now you’re lucky you know, if you get a girl in slacks who delivers it
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| I understand they’re even putting in conveyor belts in some drive-in resturants
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| There was a time when the little girls came running out in short little skirts
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| Remember them?
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| You pull in
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| And the little girl would come running up
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| May I take your order sir?
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| Yes, but I don’t believe it’s on the menu, ha ha
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| They don’t, they don’t let you flirt any more now
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| They give you a little green box with a white button on it
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| A little speaker grill, right
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| What?
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| Oh, ok, um, We’d like one cheeseburger deluxe special extra
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| The one you have out here with the little white cup
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| With that whatever that’s in there, we’ll take it, whatever it is
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| And uh, we’d like two hamburgers medium rare with everything on 'em
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| And one hamburger, no, one hamburger, meat, no hamburgers
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| One frank, and three chiliburgers, ok?
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| Alright, and we’d like two chocolate shakes, regular thick, for spoons you know
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| THICK
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| And we’d like two strawberry shakes thin
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| Water them down, or milk them down a little, ok
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| 'Cause we got somebody here with chapped lips and they’d like it thin |
| Can, you understand what I mean?
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| Are you there?
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| Well, could you tell us what we have please?
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| And four six-packs
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| We’ll take it
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| And after you get your food order in, you got at least 40 minutes to wait
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| Even if it’s just a cup of coffee you got 40 minutes to wait
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| And you cannot get out of your car, right
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| Remember there was a time when drive-ins first opened
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| You used to pull in and get out, exchange hellos, greetings
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| Evidentally some people were getting out and exchanging
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| Something a little heavier than hellos and greetings
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| They have policemen there to keep you in your car
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| You can be 47 years old and drop your credit cards on the ground
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| Officer, that’s my wallet
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| I don’t care who you are kid back in the car
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| If you do get out, you gotta be very careful
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| Because the new resturants have radar now
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| So you have to crawl on your belly between the cars
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| You get over to the side of the car
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| Psssst
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| Psssst down here!
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| I can’t come up, they’ll spot me
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| Put down your window
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| Power windows, huh?
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| Whoo, this is a pretty fancy car
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| Hey, you’re a pretty fancy broad
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| If you did manage to get out of the drive-in resturant without being maimed
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| There was a sporting event taking place at the traffic light
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| Remember, with all of two characters
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| Mr. Businessman who drove a 4-door family sedan with black-wall tires
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| Automatic transmission
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| Seated next to him in a 1941 gray primer coated Ford
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| With it’s rear end 2 inches off the ground
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| Tomato cans for mufflers
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| With his back to the drivers window, his left arm draped over the steering wheel
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| His right hand gripped onto the gearshift lever
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| A sneer on lips sat THE KID
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| Well, Mr. Businessman has just had his bands tightened, and
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| Those of you who are not quite sure what I mean
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| By having your bands tightened
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| The bands are the rings in an automatic transmission
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| Which actually affect the gear change
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| Uh huh, I’ll give you an example
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| This is an automobile with tight bands
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| This is an automobile with loose bands
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| Well, Mr. Businessman has just had his bands tightened
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| And he thinks that he will show THE KID a thing or two
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| Meanwhile, THE KID
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| Has inched these 2 fingers up over his left arm
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| This is the universal signlanguage among teenagers for dragging
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| You probably recall Winston Churchill during the war years
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| Which everyone assumed meant V for victory
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| Actually if you’ll also recall Winston Churchill smokes a cigar, right?
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| He used to hold it in here, right?
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| And occationally he would turn to his friends on the stage and say
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| Want a drag?
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| See, and the kids picked it up
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| The light changes
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| The light changes to amber and Mr. Businessman decides to get very daring
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| He pulls the automatic transmission down into low
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| He puts one foot on the brake
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| Still holding the foot on the brake, in order to get that extra fast start
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| He pulls the automatic transmission down into low
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| And pushes down on the accelerator five inches
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| The car is internally hemorraging
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| He knows, he knows, he knows he’s gonna have to have another band job
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| He’s not gonna let THE KID show him up
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| The light changes to green, Mr. Businessman is off
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| Looks at the speedometer, 80, 90, 95, 96, 97, 98 miles an hour
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| Looks out the window and The Kids not even there
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| You know what’s there?
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| He looks in the rear view mirror and The Kids still back at the corner
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| He never races anybody
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| He just sits there and scares the hell out of them |