| And I went to England. |
| I spent a month there. |
| I liked England. |
| Everything’s different. |
| I mean,
|
| that’s obvious, But some of The differences were cool. |
| I like the money, The money- Instead of a
|
| dollar bill They have the pound coin. |
| And it’s a coin and You throw it on the counter. |
| It felt kind
|
| of cool. |
| Like the old west. |
| Like going on the-you know, Being on the dusty trail. |
| You see a saloon,
|
| so you walk Over to it with your horse. |
| You throw the rope Vaguely at the pole outside. |
| That
|
| thing they do. |
| It’s my whole life On that horse. |
| Should be fine. |
| Just… Walk in the saloon. |
| “Give
|
| me a beer, The bottle of whiskey, “And a room for a week, “Steak dinner, shave And a haircut and
|
| a bath, “And some new clothes And a hat and some boots, And some oats for my horse, And a
|
| woman. |
| ” Here you go. |
| Ping. |
| That’s all. |
| One heavy coin. |
| You’re fine. |
| Nobody adds up all those
|
| things You mentioned. |
| They don’t check To see what coin it was. |
| The guy just keeps Drying the
|
| glass. |
| Things were very vague Back then. |
| Things just cost money. |
| “Hey, how much is that?”
|
| “Money.” |
| In the old english movies, It was different. |
| It was a little sack of coins. |
| Remember that little Drawstring sack Tossed over By some faggy lord With a ruffled shirt. |
| Throw it disdainfully
|
| down To some commoner Who’s gonna do something Beneath his station. |
| “Follow the girl and
|
| report Back to me at midnight. |
| “Bring a shovel and a sack “And two reliable men Such as
|
| yourselves. |
| “Oh, what’s that? |
| Oh, yes, of course. |
| Well, This ought to be sufficient. |
| ” Meh, just-
|
| shink. |
| “Oh, thank you, sir. |
| ” The guy’s so happy To get a general amount of some kind of currency
|
| or another. |
| He didn’t, like, count it. |
| Like, “I think you only gave me Enough for the shovel. |
| There’s
|
| not enough there. |
| “
|
| That was a good time In our economy, When you needed to have gold To buy shit. |
| We might be
|
| going back to that Pretty soon too. |
| Things are pretty fucked up. |
| People are a little bit scared. |
| But
|
| you know what? |
| How bad could it really get? |
| I mean, most Americans Have so much crap You
|
| could lose most of it And still be- Have more shit Than the average Canadian, Even. |
| Like, we’re
|
| the fattest People in the world, And we just have All this shit, And we hate it. |
| We’re just
|
| miserable With our phones. |
| “Fucking… ” Just angry all the time. |
| And I worry about The economy
|
| failing, Because we don’t- We can’t even- We’re miserable With a great life. |
| Like, I don’t know
|
| How the fuck We’re gonna deal with, like, When you got to move your mom Into the cellar and
|
| shit And, like, have, like, Serious problems. |
| Because we have, like- Up till now, We have white-
|
| We have white people problems In America, That’s what we have. |
| White people problems. |
| You
|
| know what that is? |
| That’s where your life Is amazing, So you just make shit up To be upset about.
|
| People in other countries Have real problems. |
| Like, “oh, shit, They’re cutting off All our heads
|
| today. |
| ” Things like that. |
| Here we make shit up To be upset about. |
| “Like, how come I have to
|
| choose A language on the ATM machine? |
| It’s bullshit. |
| ” “I shouldn’t have to do that. |
| I’m
|
| American. |
| ” God, the shit We bitch about. |
| I called American Airlines, And I got a xstani lady. |
| And
|
| she was in Pakistan. |
| Only people near my fat, White body should have jobs. |
| I’ll tell you what,
|
| though. |
| When I call American Airlines And I get the Pakistani lady, I hang up and I call again. |
| I do.
|
| I’m gonna tell you honestly. |
| And it’s not because I don’t like her, And it’s not because She doesn’t
|
| speak English, ‘Cause she speaks Way better than I do. |
| She’s just a better person. |
| It’s so clear.
|
| And I know-here’s why I don’t like talking to her. |
| ‘Cause I know she doesn’t Give a shit About me
|
| and My white people problems. |
| I want to talk To the lady from Texas, Who’s- “Well, how can I
|
| help you?” |
| That’s the lady I want. |
| I just know when I- “Hello, American-” “Oh, fuck. |
| You don’t
|
| care. |
| ” There’s no way. |
| Why would you? |
| I’m in my underwear. |
| “Hi, I have a layover In Dallas that’s
|
| really long, And I was wondering if-” And she’s like, “Oh, really? |
| “I haven’t had a clean glass of
|
| water in ten years, okay? |
| “Two of my kids Died this morning. |
| “I still came to work, You fat shit. |
| “I
|
| can hear your fat Over the phone. |
| Why don’t you hang up And kill yourself?” |
| Why would she
|
| care? |
| But we just-God. |
| Standing at the ATM. |
| “I can’t believe They make me go like this. |
| Stupid.”
|
| What the fuck Are you complaining about? |
| You push a button and money Comes out a fucking
|
| slot. |
| It didn’t used to be that way. |
| When I was younger, You had to go in the bank. |
| Remember
|
| that? |
| You had to go inside the bank. |
| Now you look in the bank, You’re like, “what are those
|
| People doing in there? |
| Are they cleaning? |
| The money’s out here.” |