| But that’s not why I want to dedicate the song to the FBI. |
| I mean,
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| the job that they have to do is a drag. |
| I mean, they have To follow people
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| around, you know. |
| That’s part of their job. |
| Follow me around
|
| I’m out on the highway and I’m drivin down the road and I run out of gasoline.
|
| I pull over to the side of the road. |
| They gotta pull over too — make believe
|
| that they ran out, you know
|
| I go to get some gasoline. |
| They have to figure out whether they should stick
|
| with the car or follow me. |
| Suppose I don’t come back and they’re stayin with
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| the car
|
| Or if I fly on the airplanes, I could fly half fare because I’m 12 To 22.
|
| And they gotta pay the full fare. |
| But the thing is that When you pay the full
|
| fare, you have to get on the airplane first, so that they know how many seats
|
| are left over for the half fare kids. |
| Right? |
| And sometimes there aren’t any
|
| seats left over, and sometimes there are, but that doesn’t mean that you have
|
| to go. |
| Suppose that he gets on and fills up the last seat, so you can’t get on.
|
| Then he gets off then you can get on. |
| What’s he gonna do?
|
| Well, it’s a drag for him. |
| But that’s not why I want to dedicate the song to
|
| the FBI. |
| During these hard days and hard weeks, everybody always has it bad
|
| once in a while. |
| You know, you have a bad time of it, and you always have a
|
| friend who says «Hey man, you ain’t got it that bad. |
| Look at that guy.
|
| «And you look at that guy, and he’s got it worse than you. |
| And it makes you
|
| feel better that there’s somebody that’s got it worse than you
|
| But think of the last guy. |
| For one minute, think of the last guy.
|
| Nobody’s got it worse than that guy. |
| Nobody in the whole world. |
| That guy …
|
| he’s so alone in the world that he isn’t even have a street to lay in for a
|
| truck to run him over. |
| He’s out there with nothin. |
| Nothin’s happenin for that
|
| cat
|
| And all that he has to do to create a little excitement in his own life is to
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| bum a dime from somewhere, call up the FBI. |
| Say, «FBI?», they say «Yes?».
|
| Say, «I dig Uncle Ho and Chairman Mao and their friends are comin over for
|
| dinner.» |
| (click) Hang up the phone
|
| And within two minutes, and not two minutes from when he hangs up the phone,
|
| but two minutes from when he first put the dime in, they got 30,
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| 000 feet of tape rollin, files on tape, pictures, movies, dramas,
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| actions on tape. |
| But then they send out a half a million people all over the
|
| entire world, the globe, they find out all they can about this guy
|
| Cause there’s a number of questions involved in the guy. |
| I mean,
|
| if he was the last guy in the world, how’d he get a dime to call the FBI?
|
| There are plenty of people that aren’t the last guys that can’t get dimes.
|
| He comes along and he gets a dime. |
| I mean, if he had to bum a dime to call the
|
| FBI, how was he gonna serve dinner for all of those people? |
| How could the last
|
| guy MAKE dinner for all those people. |
| And if he could make dinner,
|
| and was gonna make dinner, then why did he call the FBI?
|
| They find out all of those questions within two minutes. |
| And that’s a great
|
| thing about America. |
| I mean, this is the only country in the world …
|
| I mean, well, it’s not the only country in the world that could find stuff out
|
| in two minutes, but it’s the only country in the world that would take two
|
| minutes for that guy
|
| Other countries would say «Hey, he’s the last guy … screw em», you know?
|
| But in America, there IS no discrimination, and there IS no hypocrisy,
|
| cause they’ll get ANYBODY. |
| And that’s a wonderful thing about America
|
| And that’s why tonight I’d like to dedicate it to every FBI man in the audience.
|
| I know you can’t say nothin, you know, you can’t get up and say «Hi!
|
| «cause then everybody knows that you’re an FBI man and that’s a drag for you
|
| and your friends
|
| They’re not really your friends, are they? |
| I mean, so you can’t get up and say
|
| nothin cause otherwise, you gotta get sent back to the factory and that’s a
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| drag for you and it’s an expense for the government, and THAT’S a drag for you
|
| We’re gonna sing you this Christmas carol. |
| It’s for all you bastards out there
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| in the audience tonight. |
| It’s called «The Pause of Mr. Claus»
|
| Why do you sit there so strange?
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| Is it because you are beautiful?
|
| You must think you are deranged
|
| Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
|
| You must think Santa Clause weird
|
| He has long hair and a beard
|
| Giving his presents for free
|
| Why do police guys mess with peace guys?
|
| Let’s get Santa Clause cause
|
| Santa Clause has a red suit
|
| He’s a Communist
|
| And a beard and long hair
|
| Must be a pacifist
|
| What’s in the pipe that he’s smoking?
|
| Mister Clause sneaks in your home at night
|
| He must be a dope fiend, to put you up tight
|
| Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
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| Story and Song Writer: Arlo Guthrie |