Testi The Camping Trip - Ray Stevens

The Camping Trip

Last summer I thought for a little diversion, I’d take\nMy family on a camping excursion —\nWe were tired of vacations with air conditioned rooms\nAnd such.\n(Swimming pools, room service)\nI thought two weeks way back in the woods would do us All a whole world of good —\nEspecially the kids, they don’t appreciate nature much.\n(Rather watch a TV, eat a twinkie)\nWell, my wife wasn’t sure but I said «Look here, Honey,\nWe’ll have a lot of fun and save a lot of money.»\nNow right there’s where I made my first mistake,\nFriends.\n(I figured a tent, a few cans of beans, marshmallows,\nWhat could it cost?)\nBut with the sleeping bags, & the hiking shoes and all\nThe other paraphernalia that you use —\nIt came to $ 6, 947.22!\n(But like the man said, you can use it all again)\nWell, we packed the new Land Rover with the maximum\nLoad, and drove till we run plum out of road —\nAnd then backpacked six hours straight up a steep\nIncline.\n(Briars & brambles & cockleburrs)\nThen we saw the perfect site — there were trees on the\nLeft and a creek on the right — of a clearing to pitch\nThe tent, just what we had in mind.\n(Eat your heart out, Field & Stream)\nNow pitching the tent took four hours or so, and by Then the sun was sinking low —\nAnd the kids were whining and crying for something to Eat.\n(Where upon my wife says «Where's the restroom?"I told\nHer and she grinned and says «Yeah, now where is it Really?»)\nSo we broke out the soda crackers & sardines, the\nVienna sausages and the pork & beans, and sat around\nThe fire to enjoy a well earned treat.\n(Mmm good, none of that citified junk food for us)\n(Kinda reminds me of wild hickory nuts!)\nLet’s all go camping, you’ll never have it so good.\nIt’s great getting back to Nature, out here in the\nWoods\nAmongst the birds and the bees, & the flowers and the\nTrees,\nWhere the animals are our friends —\nOnce you get hooked on camping, you’ll never like the\nCity again\nWell, we just weren’t ready for what happened then —\nWhen sparks from the campfire carried by the wind set a Pile of leaves and two $ 89.95 sleeping bags aflame!\n(Little Elmer was going for the marshmallows, thought\nIt was part of the deal)\nIt spread from the bags and the leaves to the trees,\nRaging out of control and fanned by the breeze —\nI thought all was lost and then thank God it started to Rain.\n(I don’t mean showers, friends, we’re talking bare 'em\nUp Noah one whole time)\nWell the fire was out, and we huddled in the tent, whoa\nSlapped out from the day’s events — Floating on our air\nMattresses in mud, ankle deep.\n(Where upon my wife says, «I really need to know now,\nWhere is the restroom?»)\nWhen it finally stopped raining it was cold and late,\nBut those mysterious noises kept us awake —\nAnd we all knew we’d be mauled or axe murdered in our\nSleep.\n(At this point I knew the ghost stories earlier had\nBeen a bad idea)\nI was dozing off, just about to dream about a Holiday\nInn, when a blood curdling scream — Announced the\nPresence of something in the tent covered with hair!\n(That's when I said, «Leap up there, son, and light the\nColeman, I think there’s something in here with us.»)\nWe lit the lantern and there he was, a little beady\nEyed fuzzy, looking at us —\nAnd we chased him out of the tent and ran head on into\nA BEAR!\n(He'd just finished off the groceries and was frothing\nAt the mouth, we ain’t talking no Gentle Ben here,\nFriends)\nHe reared back on his haunches and he let out a growl,\nAnd we all turned white and let out a howl and went\nTearing through the woods in hysterics without a Flashlight or a lamp!\n(It's amazing what adrenaline will do, I mean I was a Track star in High School, but my chubby little wife\nJust flatfooted past me with a child under each arm\nLike I was taking a Sunday stroll, yelling «Never mind\nThe restroom!»)\nWell, somehow we all made it to the car, and I had to Crank it with a quick hot wire —\nCause I’d left the keys in my backpack, back at the\nCamp.\n(Along with my shoes, wallet, my Rolex, $ 6947.22 worth\nOf camping equipment)\nWe went flying down that dark & muddy trail, slipping\nAnd a sliding like a bat outta hell-\nTill we drove through a stream that we’d crossed on our\nWay in.\n(Lord knows how we missed all those trees at 90 miles\nPer hour — sideways)\nNow the rain made it deeper than it was before, the\nWater started pouring in around the doors and we had to Swim for the shore — never saw that Land Rover again.\n(Just floated off, last I saw was the taillights going\nOver the falls — State Farm’s ain’t never gonna believe\nThis)\nWell, we finally stumbled into civilization — called a Friend of mine from a Texaco station — and he drove out\nTo pick us up and take us all on home.\n(Wet, cold, tired and talking to ourselves)\nThey say take only pictures and leave only footprints —\nWell, we left 8 sleeping bags, 2 Trailmaster tents, a Coleman stove, $ 400 worth of groceries, a Land Rover, a Rolex and every stitch of clothing my wife ever owned.\n(Oh yeah, had to take it all with us, mink coat,\nMakeup, electric curling iron, «You never know what you\nMight need», she said)\nLet’s all go camping, you’ll never have it so good.\nIt’s great getting back to Nature, out here in the\nWoods\nAmongst the birds and the bees, & the flowers and the\nTrees,\nWhere the animals are our friends —\nOnce you get hooked on camping, you’ll never like the\nCity again