| I saw your picture in the pointless magazine
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| You wear your weapons well
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| You’ve got a future as a killing machine
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| As far as I can tell
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| I’m sure your driver does the best he can
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| He does whatever it takes
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| But I, I put my money on Slow Motion Man
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| Because he never puts on the brakes
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| And it’s all part of the plan
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| When you hire Slow Motion Man
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| Can he devise your lesson plan?
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| Why yes, he can!
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| And it takes such a long time
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| To arrive home when he drives
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| And he drives so slow, you slowly go mad
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| And if you’re looking for the noughties' mistletoe
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| I know just what it takes
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| Sign this disclaimer just before you go
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| Because I make mistakes
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| I cannot save you from drowning in jealousy
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| If you refuse to believe
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| What’s in your heart is a fallacy
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| What’s in your mind can never leave
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| And it’s the products from Japan
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| That are confounding Slow Motion Man
|
| And he strives to make your wishes his command
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| But it takes 6−8 weeks
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| To get closure when he speaks
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| And he speaks in a voice that drives you mad
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| And I can see from my perch on the highest tree
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| You hid the feelings you felt
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| And you forsook me for a dollar tree
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| Before I could even take off my belt
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| And now the weather has turned a few degrees
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| And we must part for the year
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| Please don’t expect me to remember memories
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| I leave them all right here
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| And it’s the meals from a can
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| Giving life to Slow Motion Man
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| As he sends directions to an endless caravan
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| And he dies such a long death
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| They will enshrine his final breath
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| And he breathes so heavy, it makes you bleed |