The fact is we don’t really have a cultural protocol for
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What to do when we lose a loved one
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You have to basically make up that protocol
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First thing is you already know it’s going to be wretched
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And you’re not going to escape it
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That pain the pain that is going to come
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Is going to come in waves
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At first you won’t even notice that they’re waves
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Because all the waves are going to be so close together
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They’re going to be so continual
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Right on top of each other
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And the pain and the sadness is gonna feel like it’s so heavy
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It’s going to feel like you are drowning in sorrow
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Like you’re not getting any air and like you’re not
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Going to be able to escape that sadness
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And then at some point there’s going to be a little break
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Someone will be a light in the darkness
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Something is gonna make you smile
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Something is gonna make you laugh
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Something is just gonna show you a little bit of light
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Little bit of light
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And then another wave of pain is gonna come back again
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And you won’t have any control of it
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And that’s scary
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We get used to as adults hey we can kinda get control of things
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And all of a sudden you’re not gonna have control
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It’s gonna hit you and you’re gonna feel it
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But like a wave in the ocean
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That is eventually going to subside again
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And you’ll see a little bit of light
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And you’ll feel it for a second
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Another wave is gonna hit you
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You’re going to be sitting there
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And all of a sudden you’re going to be crying
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That’s what’s gonna happen
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The mercy of this ocean of sorrow
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But don’t let that scare you
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Because I’m telling you
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That wave is going to subside again and
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This is going to go on
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And the waves they will become weaker
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This doesn’t mean that you love your child
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Any less or that you aren’t crushed at their passing
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It just means that you are starting to be able
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To deal with it
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Which is what you’re supposed to do
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And as the waves get weaker
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They will also appear less frequently
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And again, that’s ok
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It doesn’t mean that you don’t think you’re at times
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It just means that it’s being dealt with
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And while this is happening
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While the storm waves start to come a little bit
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What you can do is row the boat
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You can row the boat
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What I mean by that is start doing things productive
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To get your mind forward
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Let’s do something productive
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Let’s sort out the drawers, the bedroom
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Let’s vacuum, let’s finish the project
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Let’s do something productive
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And if there’s something that distracts you
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That’s fine, do it
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Let there be some calm in the water
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As the calm, calms
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Also you’re going to find moments where it’s like
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You’re going to find things that are gonna
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Bring on the waves and that’s ok too
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Bring on the waves, go look at the pictures
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Down the memories, read the memories
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Read the notes, read the emails, remember
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And then there’s that standard service
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They’re gonna do the memorial and do the burial
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And when that’s over, let a little bit more time go by
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Give yourself another week of washing around
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Of feeling sorry
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Of letting the waves toss you around in the ocean
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After that week what you do is you go and you
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Write a letter to your child and explain to them
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Explain to them how much they meant to you
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Explain to them how heartbroken you are that
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They are gone and then explain to them why
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You are going to carry on
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Why you are going to keep going with them in your heart
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Explain to them you’re not going to dwell in their loss
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And explain to them how you have learned without
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A shred of doubt how truly precious life is
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And that they have taught you the immeasurable value
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Of your own life, and your wife’s life, and your family’s life
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And explain to them that you know
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That you know they loved you and you know that they
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Would want more than anything for you to be happy
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And productive and impactful in the world
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And explain in that letter what you will do
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To make them proud of how you live your life
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And then take that letter and go to their grave
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And read it to them and cry
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And kiss their soul and tell them that you’ll see them
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On the other side and then go live your life
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Those waves are still going to come
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And there’s still going to be pain
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And there’s still going to be sorrow
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But you go and live your life
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And live it well and make them proud |