| I have an apology to make
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| I’m afraid I’ve made a big mistake
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| I turned my face away from you, Lord
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| I was too blind to see the light
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| I was too meek to feel Your might
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| I closed my eyes; |
| I couldn’t see the truth, Lord
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| But then like Saul on the Damascus road
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| You sent a messenger to me, and so
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| Now I’ve had the truth revealed to me
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| Please forgive me all those things I said
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| I’ll no longer betray you, Lord
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| I will pray to you instead
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| And I will say thank you, thank you
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| Thank you, God
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| Thank you, thank you
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| Thank you, God…
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| Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum
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| I had no idea, but it’s suddenly so clear now
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| I feel such a cynic, how could I have been so dumb?
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| Thank you for displaying how praying works:
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| A particular prayer in a particular church
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| Thank you Sam for the chance to acknowledge this
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| Omnipotent ophthalmologist
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| Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum
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| I didn’t realize that it was so simple
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| But you’ve shown a great example of just how it can be done
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| You only need to pray in a particular spot
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| To a particular version of a particular god
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| And if you pull that off without a hitch
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| He will fix one eye of one middle-class white bitch
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| I know in the past my outlook has been limited
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| I couldn’t see examples of where life had been definitive
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| But I can admit it when the evidence is clear
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| As clear as Sam’s mum’s new cornea
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| (And that’s extremely clear!)
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| Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum
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| I have to admit that in the past I have been skeptical
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| But Sam described this miracle and I am overcome!
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| How fitting that the citing of a sight-based intervention
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| Should open my eyes to this exciting new dimension
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| It’s like someone put an eye chart up in front of me
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| And the top five letters say: I C, G O D
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| Thank you, Sam, for showing how my point of view has been so flawed
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| I assumed there was no God at all but now I see that’s cynical
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| It’s simply that his interests aren’t particularly broad
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| He’s largely undiverted by the starving masses
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| Or the inequality between the various classes
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| He gives out strictly limited passes
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| Redeemable for surgery or two-for-one glasses
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| I feel so shocking for historically mocking you
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| Your interests are clearly confined to the ocular
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| I bet given the chance, you’d eschew the divine
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| And start a little business selling contacts online
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| Fuck me Sam, what are the odds
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| That of history’s endless parade of gods
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| That the God you just happened to be taught to believe in
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| Is the actual one and he digs on healing?
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| But not the AIDS-ridden African nations
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| Nor the victims of the plague, nor the flood-addled Asians
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| But healthy, privately-insured Australians
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| With common and curable corneal degeneration
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| This story of Sam’s has but a single explanation:
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| A surgical God who digs on magic operations
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| No, it couldn’t be mistaken attribution of causation
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| Born of a coincidental temporal correlation
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| Exacerbated by a general lack of education
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| Vis-a-vis physics in Sam’s parish congregation
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| And it couldn’t be that all these pious people are liars
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| It couldn’t be an artefact of confirmation bias
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| A product of groupthink
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| A mass delusion
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| An Emperor’s New Clothes-style fear of exclusion
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| No, it’s more likely to be an all-powerful magician
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| Than the misdiagnosis of the initial condition
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| Or one of many cases of spontaneous remission
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| Or a record-keeping glitch by the local physician
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| No, the only explanation for Sam’s mum’s seeing:
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| They prayed to an all-knowing superbeing
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| To the omnipresent master of the universe
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| And he quite liked the sound of their muttered verse
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| So for a bit of a change from his usual stunt
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| Of being a sexist, racist, murderous cunt
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| He popped down to Dandenong and just like that
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| Used his powers to heal the cataracts of Sam’s mum
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| Of Sam’s mum
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| Thank you God for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum!
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| I didn’t realize that it was such a simple thing
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| I feel such a dingaling, what ignorant scum!
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| Now I understand how prayer can work:
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| A particular prayer in a particular church
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| In a particular style with a particular stuff
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| And for particular problems that aren’t particularly tough
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| And for particular people, preferably white
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| And for particular senses, preferably sight
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| A particular prayer in a particular spot
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| To a particular version of a particular god
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| And if you get that right, he just might
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| Take a break from giving babies malaria
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| And pop down to your local area
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| To fix the cataracts of your mum! |