| Bless this day | 
| Pinnacle of life | 
| Husband joined to wife | 
| The heart leaps up to behold | 
| This golden day | 
| Today is for Emma | 
| Emma, I give you the rest of my life | 
| To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever | 
| Today is for Emma | 
| My happily soon-to-be wife | 
| Pardon me, is everybody here? | 
| Because if everybody’s here, I | 
| Want to thank you all for coming to the wedding, I’d appreciate | 
| Your going even more, I mean you must have lots of better things | 
| To do, and not a word of this to Will, remember Will, you know, | 
| The man I’m gonna marry, but I’m not, because I wouldn’t ruin | 
| Anyone as wonderful as he is-- | 
| Thank you all | 
| For the gifts and the flowers, | 
| Thank you all, | 
| Now it’s back to the showers, | 
| Don’t tell Will, | 
| But I’m not getting married today. | 
| Bless this day | 
| Tragedy of life | 
| Husband joined to wife | 
| The heart sinks down and feels dead | 
| This dreadful day | 
| Listen, everybody, look, I don’t know what you’re waiting for, | 
| A wedding, what’s a wedding, it’s a prehistoric ritual | 
| Where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is | 
| Maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is | 
| Followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he’ll realize he’s | 
| Saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should-- | 
| Thanks a bunch, | 
| But I’m not getting married-- | 
| Go have lunch, | 
| 'Cause I’m not getting married-- | 
| You’ve been grand, | 
| But I’m not getting married-- | 
| Don’t just stand there, | 
| I’m not getting married-- | 
| And don’t tell Will, | 
| But I’m not getting married today. | 
| Go, can’t you go? | 
| Why is no- | 
| Body listening? | 
| Goodbye | 
| Go and cry | 
| At another person’s wake | 
| If you’re quick | 
| For a kick | 
| You could pick | 
| Up a christening | 
| But please | 
| On my knees | 
| There’s a human life at stake! | 
| Listen everybody, I’m afraid you didn’t hear, or do you want to | 
| See a crazy lady fall apart in front of you, it isn’t only Will | 
| Who may be ruining his life, you know we’ll both of us be losing | 
| Our identities, I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to | 
| See him Monday, but by Monday I’ll be floating in the Hudson with | 
| The other garbage-- | 
| I’m not well, | 
| So I’m not getting married-- | 
| You’ve been swell, | 
| But I’m not getting married-- | 
| Clear the hall, | 
| 'Cause I’m not getting married-- | 
| Thank you all, | 
| But I’m not getting married-- | 
| And don’t tell Will, | 
| But I’m not getting married today. | 
| Bless this bride | 
| Totally insane | 
| Slipping down the drain | 
| And bless this day in our hearts | 
| As it starts | 
| To rain | 
| Today is for | 
| Go, can’t you go? | 
| |Emma, | 
| Look, you know |Emma, | 
| I adore you all |I give you | 
| But why |The rest of | 
| Watch me die |My life, | 
| Like Eliza on the ice? | 
| |To cherish | 
| Look, perhaps |And to keep you, | 
| I’ll collapse |To honor you | 
| In the apse |Forever, | 
| Right before you all, |Today is for Emma, | 
| So take |My happily | 
| Back the cake, |Soon-to-be | 
| Burn the shoes and boil the rice. | 
| |Wife, | 
| Look, I didn’t wanna have to |My adorable | 
| Tell you, but I may be coming |Wife. | 
| Down with Hepatitis, and I | 
| Think I’m gonna faint, so if | 
| You wanna see me faint, I’ll | 
| Do it happily, but wouldn’t | 
| It be funnier to go and watch | 
| A funeral, so thank you for the | 
| Twenty-seven dinner plates, | 
| Thirty-seven butter knives, | 
| Forty-seven paperweights, | 
| Fifty-seven candleholders-- | 
| One more thing-- | 
| I am not getting married! | 
| Amen! | 
| Softly said-- | 
| But I’m not getting married! | 
| Amen! | 
| With this ring-- | 
| Still I’m not getting married! | 
| Amen! | 
| I thee wed. | 
| See, I’m not getting married! | 
| Amen! | 
| Let us pray Let us pray | 
| That we are getting married | | 
| That I’m not getting married | 
| Today! | 
| | | 
| Today! | 
| AMEN! |